Wednesday, March 08, 2006

LFP Rogue Roving Reporter Presents The Township Oscar Winners ...RRR

And the Township Oscar Winners are…

After watching the Oscars Sunday Night I realized we should do the same for our Township Council. So in keeping with the celebrations I had a limo drive me to the Hall, I couldn’t get into the secured parking lot of Prince Alberts and slate, but it may have given the Mayor the idea that they need limos in 2008. My chauffer was able to put out the red carpet on the upper level parking lot. I think one councilor took my picture with his new taxpayer-paid Blackberry.

Once inside I was happy to see that Councilor Ferguson was sporting a new pair of glasses (Are these funded by the benefits program?) His old glasses are probably worn out as Steve loves to use them as a prop to express an idea. Good thing he has very few ideas these days so these glasses should last some time.

The first Oscar for Best Director goes to Kurt Alberts. We assume his ability to control his slate on council allowed the Redwoods borrowing bylaw to zip thru in 2 minutes flat! I thought he said he was going to use the DCC’s for parks and rec, instead of borrowing??? Oh well he may win the best actor - I mean who flip-flops better than this mayor?

Grant Ward won the Best Supporting Actor. It almost seems that the Mayor has an electric tickler on his seat to make sure Grant seconds every motion raised by the slate councillors. Maybe Grant has a hard time fitting a word in edgewise since the Mayor’s report usually drones on for up to an hour or so.

The Best Script goes to Jordan “ME-ME” Bateman (check out his blog, you would think he’s running council). You should know better Jordan, you’re not running council… but maybe Rich Coleman is! Mel Kositsky has figured this out and has made a weekly sport of battering Jordan. But at least Jordan is getting some of these old farts to sit up and pay attention.

The best Foreign Film Award goes to Kim Richter who continues to speak a language the rest don’t understand. She needs to work on subtitles though – maybe then she’ll get a seconder for her motions!

The Award for Best Special Effects goes to Bob Long. Thank God he now reaches over the Mayor to turn on speakers microphones so us saps in the cheap seats can hear what is going on.

Speaking of microphones, this year’s $20 million dollar blockbuster “Township Hall” still doesn’t have a working video & audio system, nice planning Kurt?

Bob Long also used a gross hand gesture to show us how long it is …. I think he was taking about the on-ramp to the highway, but I couldn’t hear, Kurt was asleep at the microphone switch.

I have to give Kurt credit for voting at Translink against the parking tax. He also told council Translink had a windfall profit from property taxes this year to the tune of $8.5 million. Golly Kurt you could blow that buying golf courses, or building grandstands!

The Best Comic Performance, has to go to Steve “Specks” Ferguson, after the Mayor spent half an hour explaining that Translink is buying 95 buses, some will be natural gas, the rest converted to diesel at no extra charge or penalty. As soon as the Mayor finished, Steve pushed his buzzer and asked if we are buying 95 buses and if there is a penalty???
Keep your eye on the ball Steve instead of checking over Bateman’s shoulder to see what he is writing all the time.

We suggest that the Mayor also hand out his own awards. We think that he should give Charlie Fox his green “N” sticker to put on his desk indicating New Councillor, but a probably disappointed Jordan Bateman should get a Red “L” sticker indicating Learning Councillor. He still makes erratic turns and fails to signal when he turns left. Knowing Jordan, he would probably protest though, saying he never turns left damn it( even though his partner Sam does), instead he makes three right turns until he gets to his destination.

Well I got to get out of here - the Mayor is starting to talk again. And I’m having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Boredom is this mayor’s best weapon!

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